Unfinished Business
…I’ve even thought about backing out from writing something altogether, then I realized part of growing and healing is sharing my story. Writing is therapeutic, so here goes nothing.
I’ve tried to write and re-write this for some time now. I’ve tried to make the words to my story, absolutely perfect. I’ve tried to speak my truth without tarnishing the people involved. I’ve tried to omit parts, afraid of being too vulnerable. I’ve even thought about backing out from writing something altogether, then I realized part of growing and healing is sharing my story. Writing is therapeutic, so here goes nothing:
I’ve never considered myself much of a writer. I never considered myself much of a talker when it came to personal things like feelings and emotions until I had so many I needed to cry or talk about them. I found myself crying and talking way more in the past 6 months than I have in the 25 years I’ve been on this earth. I choose to share this in hopes that it may touch someone else’s pain and help someone realize that you are never alone. Ever. I went from never showing emotion to showing too much damn emotion. You ever meet someone who has so much built up emotion? It was like a volcano of my emotions erupted and everyone ran for cover. I became too much to handle. I cried all the time. Became very depressed until one day, I snapped. I told myself I could never allow a man to have so much influence over my emotions. Never allow anyone else, for that matter, to determine how I feel.
I know you’re probably thinking, “well, what happened Sis?” Okay. So boom, picture being best friends with someone for roughly 4 years right. In the fourth year, he makes his move. Y’all start dating and of course, kept it on the low because y’all have the same friend group and didn’t want it to become super awkward. Y’all finally make it official and tell all of your friends and family. You spend countless holidays together, book flights to see each other because of course, this is a long-distance relationship. Take “baecations” together and share some of the most beautiful experiences with each other. Talk about the future and even share different interior design ideas for the home neither one of you own yet. You never once doubted his loyalty to you. Fast forward three years. This third year has been the TOUGHEST one yet. You barely saw eye to eye, on many things. Of course, there were good times, that are all, now, stained with lies and bad memories. You are planning to move to the same city as him. You leave your job, friends, and life in one city to move to “his city”. And boom, you’re there with no job. You’re sleeping on your friend’s sofa because you can’t afford a one bedroom with your job that doesn’t exist and your friends lease isn’t up until November.
A week after being in the same city, you hear the worst news. News that literally shatters your heart into a million and one pieces. You find out, your boyfriend of three years cheated with someone you graduated college with A WEEK BEFORE YOU MOVED DOWN. Now lets get a few things straight. Yes, I moved to this city to be with him and took an extreme leap of faith. No, he’s never cheated in the past, so I was blindsided and actually didn’t believe it was true for a few days. Of course, I asked him what happened, and he said nothing. So you know what I do? I had a conversation with the girl. I try to level with her – “woman to woman, what really went down Sis?” Since we graduated from the same college and ironically the same year, we had mutual friends. I asked her best friend or her “twin” as they so affectionately call each other, to have the girl call me. I asked her what happened (he confessed to cheating after three days of lying, by the way) and she obviously convinced herself before I called that she didn’t know who I was or what I was calling about because shorty answered the phone going crazy. She called ME and asked ME why we were talking even though I told her best friend to have her call me in regards to this situation. Now, you tell me how a woman can fix her mouth to say she doesn’t know who I am or why she’s calling me after all of that. Prime example of why so many women distrust other women around their men. If someone can lie and know that they are lying, you can never trust them. I wanted to speak to her, assuming she would be an honest woman…. Should’ve known that any woman that will assist in helping a man cheat on his girl, is no trustworthy or honest woman. They never will be. Those are the type of women who only care about themselves. I’d strongly watch her around your man. The absolute LAST thing the world needs, is more women like her.
There are two things a women will always hate/despise a man for:
(1) being vulnerable enough to tell a man their trauma and then that same man turns around and treats her worse
(2) when a man gets it right with another woman
I’m at a point in my life where I miss and hate him at the same time. I hate that I miss him. He’s living his best life and here I am, yet again, feeling sad & alone. But what can I do? It is what it is. I just wish more people would be open and honest about their intentions because I was happy in the city I lived in. Definitely a lot happier than I was in “his city”.
Since I found out he cheated, my head hasn’t been right. I have so many unexplainable feelings and questions that need to be answered which I can’t begin to put into words. I hate him. I hate her. I hate that this happened a week before I moved to “his city” and I hate it had to be her. I just don’t understand why her. Why did he drive his self to her apartment? Why did he have to do that? Why did he have to hurt me? Why does it feel like a piece of me died when I found out? Why couldn’t he remain faithful? Why did he have to lie? Is he still lying about what happened? I was enraged and didn’t know what to do with my anger. Didn’t know where to direct it. Didn’t know where to shove it. I just wanted to get over this feeling. I wish it had never happened. This “experience” definitely grounded me and made me take a step back with our relationship because I thought it was (semi) perfect… clearly, I was wrong. I tried to figure out how to handle it. What to do next. Every day it’s a different emotion I felt. Yesterday was fury, today is why. I am embarrassed. Angry. I feel like a fool and now I wonder if he has ever cheated before. I want to scream and cry at the same time. I want to never feel this way again. I want to never wonder if he’s with her or any other women ever again. I want to never feel like I have to be on my toes at all times or that I have to drag a bitch (or a n***a). I just wish these feelings would go away.
I want to know what made him stop before it got far. What did they touch on each other’s body? It’s like every time I try to take my mind off of this, a flashback of us arguing or him lying to my face comes up and I get angry all over again. I don’t understand why people cheat. Someone is holding you down and you risk losing their faith and trust in you over a kiss or a one-night stand – why risk it?
For a while, I had suicidal thoughts. Suffered from depression. Questioned why this thing was happening to me. It took me months to realize, this wasn’t happening to me but FOR me. For me to realize no one is perfect. People lie. People cheat. People build distrust where there was once trust and loyalty. And for me to grow closer in my relationship with God and to never allow anyone to treat me the way he did. I am not perfect, and I do not claim to be, but I also never treat people I love, the way he treated me. That’s how I know, he did not love me.
One very important lesson I’ve learned in all of this is “Nobody’s going to have your back like you.” Let me clarify. I have friends that will go to bat for me and me for them. What this means is, they can do all of that and give you words of encouragement, but its ultimately up to YOU to determine your next move. It’s also funny that my trauma has allowed me to form strong relationships with so many people. It’s amazing and also very sad to know there are so many women who have fallen victim to Love and to loving someone who, in return, treated them like a side chick. For the strong relationships, I am grateful. I have also learned more about people’s expectations when dealing with trauma and healing.
People need to stop saying what they expect of you.
People need to let you heal the way you heal.
People need to stop asking if you’re okay.
People need to stop turning their backs on you when you’re full of emotions.
People expect women to be strong.
People expect women to not feel or to feel too much.
People expect you to silence your truth.
People expect you to be grateful for the bare minimum. “Well at least he’s trying”. Well duh. He should be fucking trying. That’s easy and simple. Effort should never take effort if it’s truly something you want. Period. It shouldn’t take effort to show someone you care; you just care, and it shows effortlessly. Same with loving someone.
What people really need to do, is mind their business and stfu. You heal how you want to heal because only you, are in your situation and can process this trauma, the way you do. Others can provide comfort, which is 100% needed but, ultimately, you have to decide how you want to live your life going forward – will this continue to affect your current life circumstances? Will this break you? Will this be your motivation to focus on your wants & needs? Will this empower you and make you stronger than ever?
Through this process of healing and getting rid of traumatic experiences, I’ve learned that protecting peace is the only way to not let these experiences consume you. Protecting peace can take on many shapes and forms. For some its journaling, taking hot baths, exercising, moving to a new city, cooking, cleaning, etc. What is doesn’t look like is drowning your sorrows in alcohol, lashing out at your friends, or thinking negative thoughts over others.
One thing you have to realize when experiencing rejection in your relationship is that it’s not that you’re not unqualified or unworthy of such a love. It’s that it’s just not the right time. Which is perfectly normal and fine – you know sometimes you need to grow as a human being, as individual, before you’re ready to take on a new position or move forward in your relationship.
Continuously applying to jobs with only rejection was/is a very humbling experience because I always told myself “I have a bomb resume; I will be able to make it at any company. I just need to move to “his city” so they don’t think that I’m trying to have them pay for my relocation fee” I definitely siked myself out and lied to myself a little during this time. I wasn’t confident at all. I came up with every excuse in the book as to why he didn’t want to be with me or why I couldn’t get a job. Truth is, I was focusing on the wrong things. Nobody owes you an explanation. That’s life. You take what you get and keep it pushing. It’s a tough pill to swallow but a very important one to understand, especially if you’re in your twenties like me. I’m still not where I want to be. It’s been almost a year and it feels like an eternity, but you know things take time and patience is truly, truly a virtue.
I have learned and cannot stress it enough that it’s not you. It is literally not the right time and things will fall into place. When is the right time you won’t have to beg God or wonder why things aren’t happening the way that you wanted them to. That’s not the path you should be on. When you find that path everything will miraculously fall into place. I’m still on my journey and I’m still in a season of transition and it’s been one hell of a season but I’m excited to see what the future holds. I honestly would not have made it through the last five months of 2019 without my support system. They’ve been there to listen to me cry. You need people who speak positivity into your life even when you’ve pretty much lost all hope. There may be a cloud above your head and then boom. You may feel stuck, like there is no way to move and then boom. There’s always a move. Life is like a game of chess. Stop doubting yourself.
It took me almost a year to understand that his logic wasn’t necessarily wrong – because I definitely convinced myself otherwise – the approach was the problem. Wanting to explore what the world has to offer whether its job opportunities, dating, or finding yourself. There is nothing wrong with that, but how you relay that message to others, who are too blind to see, is important. Me. I’m the “others” I am referring to. I was too blind to see that dating around, shifting my motivation, isn’t wrong. Its freeing and a good idea, for the most part. It’s hard to let that sink in and come to that realization. I’m not saying what he did is okay, because it’s not. I’m saying, God doesn’t do things on accident so take this moment of freedom and do what God has called you to do. I also think you are a product of your environment. His environment involved/involves men who have done the exact same thing to their girlfriends and men who constantly cheat on their girlfriends when they’re away. Never realized this until we started going through our own shit. Again, not an excuse. To me, it makes it seem like everything he did or said, is okay because it’s been done before and he knows how “strong” of a woman I am…. He really told me, “You’re strong. You will be fine” which I’m sure he didn’t mean in a disrespectful way….. But it was, so extremely disrespectful, hurtful, and gave off the illusion that he didn’t care about what he was doing to me.
I’ve listened to so many sermons that have, truly, read me in ways unimaginable. One in particular is “Everything Must Go” by Sarah Jakes Roberts. That SJR x Elevation Church combination goes crazy! I highly recommend listening to it if you are or were going through a traumatic breakup or if you have fallen and feel lost. She puts into perspective that when someone leaves your life, it’s not because you weren’t meant to be. It’s because God is making way for new inventory and blessings by removing distractions. For a while, I admit, my only focus was getting to Atlanta to “save” a relationship that ended up not being salvageable. Three years long distance is hard. It’s the breaking point for many in long distance relationships and I was determined to not be like “them”. It makes sense that God is shifting my focus. I gave up way too much for a man who didn’t provide any security or promise for the future. And in return, I ended up going from corporate to retail. Now we all know retail doesn’t make that much money. It was a struggle that I was okay with making because I knew scarifies had to be made for the good of a relationship. I felt so low. Like I know I can’t get any lower in my current life situation. I listened to that sermon by SJK and one part in particular stuck with me. “The lower you are, the deeper the foundation is going to be.” I know God has something crazy big, like beyond my imagination, planned for me and this is all part of the plan. If you’re not religious, this still applies to you. The Universe has a way of changing the odds in your favor, even when it’s unclear in the beginning. Some people are just not ready to meet you where you are and that’s perfectly fine.
I do think me and him are soulmates (which I know sounds batshit crazy after I just went on a rant of how broken I was) but I’m not sure what that means. I used to think you can only have one soulmate and were meant to live happily ever after…. Then I woke up and experienced life. A soulmate doesn’t mean you will live happily ever after. You can be friends with a soulmate. You can be in a relationship with your soulmate. You can also not talk to your soulmate or spend your life searching for your soulmate and not find him or her. I don’t claim to know everything there is about soulmates, but I do know I have met mine and will find another.
Black Women are truly gold, and we don’t need anyone’s permission to shine. We do it all on our own, baby.
From everything I’ve been through as a kid – seeing my mom continuously love a man that pushed out love and made space for drugs. Seeing so many loved ones move on to higher grounds. Seeing relationships and friendships tested and broken – I realized that we are all fucked up. Babygirl, you have to pull your own shit together. I don’t know about you, but I am pulling my shit together because I have unfinished business with the Universe.