My Story
“I think for a long time I knew I needed to go to therapy. My friends always suggested it, my family supported, and even I brought up a few times. Truth is; I never felt like I deserved it. We've all been told at some point ‘someone out there has it worse than you’. Although that "saying" may be true it does not mean that what you're going through isn't real. Something I had to learn is that my trauma does not have to look like the next person for it to be valid.”
My anxiety is bad. I've always blamed it on me overthinking, being a worry bug, or just being a scaredy-cat about life. Last week, I had an extremely bad panic attack in my car. After long thought, I finally decided on taking that step and going to therapy for it. Now before I was set up with one they had to ask a few questions so I got the right counselor. As I set up my appointment, I was asked: "Was there a particular event that happened in the past year that was traumatizing and causing you anxiety?" I laughed because in that very moment so many instances ran through my head and then it hit me. I realized I couldn't answer that question with one event because there have been so many things that have happened where I was severely affected but it didn't seem like trauma at the time. I thought trauma had to be this big significant moment in your life. For me, they've been small microaggressions that I have labeled as other things so that I didn't have to face them. Let me explain.
High school is where I met this guy who flipped my world upside down. I never knew love like that until I met him. He became my whole world. I even went to college in a city nearby just so we could stay together. At the time, it felt like the best decision in which I eventually realized it wasn't. We broke up a few months after we started college and that's when I realized I depended on him for my entire happiness. I had no idea who I was outside of him. Immediately after I fell into a deep depression. I could barely get myself out of bed in the morning if I did at all. Here I am in a city where I knew no one. I didn't have family and now I didn't even have him who was my only feeling of familiarity. Crying myself to sleep every night became the norm until one night I had a thought that I never had before. I started to think if I had just a quick way out I would feel so much better. The thought alone terrified me. I couldn't believe that I finally got to that point. The nights continued until it was time for winter break. I remember being home and my dad walked into my room to hand me a letter. He had that familiar face of anger and he told me " fix it". He said nothing else to me for the rest of the winter break. The letter said that I was on academic warning and that's when I knew I had to snap out of it. I pulled it together that next semester and got to a point where I thought I was happy.
Fast forward 3 years later, I met a guy. He was new, adventurous, daring, fun, intelligent, and cute. Little did I know my feelings would grow so fast. He and I wouldn't do anything without the other. I trusted him, I was vulnerable with him, and I cared for him. This guy and I had sex unprotected a lot. It felt intimate and I felt like I was giving him a piece of myself. One day, I decided to go get tested thinking nothing of it. I had gotten tested numerous times before and always turned out fine. Except for this time, I was not fine. I found out I had chlamydia. I felt completely disgusted in myself and an extreme sense of anger. He was the only person I was with but the first thought that came to mind was he's going to be upset with me. I called him that day and told him about the test. He calmed me down and said we would get through it. He told me that he'd been with other people which crushed me but said he was afraid to tell the other girls. As much as I felt uncomfortable with the vision of him being with other people I stayed around because I felt like this was something between us which then ultimately made us closer. Life went back to normal eventually and we went on as nothing happened. The end of the year was approaching and we eventually decided that our relationship wasn't going to be the best for both of us. I still wanted to spend any time that I could until then. He started to slowly but surely distance himself from me and I knew that if he wasn't having sex with me that he was having sex with someone else. As much as I didn't want to I asked him if he was and he plainly said "yes". I couldn't help but cry to think that even after everything I still wasn't enough. I wasn't even enough to just let me know given our history. He agreed to talk to me the next day on the phone. I called and he was drunk but we spoke anyway. I continued to tell him how I felt and how it upset me that he wouldn't tell me something like that. This is when he said something to me that I still replay in my head to this day. He told me "you think I would ever take you seriously after you gave me fucking chlamydia? Fucking chlamydia". I felt my heart drop and hung up the phone. He apologized multiple times and blamed it on the alcohol. I told my friends and eventually, they all still hung out with him which made me feel like I was being dramatic. At this point, I felt that I should just let it go and move on just like everyone else did.
Time goes by and between a new job, a new city, new friends, a new place it was a lot to keep up with. I explored the city, made new friends, and went out all the time. I felt like things were on the up and up. It was as if everything that happened to me before was in the past and minuscule to everything now. The first year was great and then the second year came around. I began to hate my job, I was tired of dating just to date, and the going out life was starting to get old. By the time summer came around I was going out Thursday through Sunday and drinking every night. It was non stop. One day I was on my way to my friend's house after having a few drinks at my other friend's house. It was raining extremely bad and I shouldn't have been driving. I ended up getting into a car accident and getting arrested that night. The car accident wasn't the part that scared me the most. The moment that terrified me more than anything is knowing that I don't have the privilege is just getting pulled over. I knew I was a black girl in the south getting in trouble with the police. I'm sure Sandra Bland didn't think that a turning signal would be the thing that completely changed her entire life. That night while I did my sobriety test on the side of the road, I cried and begged the police to not kill me. I didn't want to be another hashtag. All I could think about is they have guns and it's well known that when it comes down to it they do what they want. I'm seen as a threat to them with one small move and my life was flashing before my eyes.
My anxiety was through the roof at this point and it's been bad ever since. I can't do anything wrong anymore without crying and freaking out. I have trouble breathing throughout the day if too many things are on my mind. I can't get out of my room some days let alone even think about touching my car. The anger, the breakup, the std, the car accident all caught up to me and they've all been my traumas. The traumas that I never dealt with. The traumas that I never wanted to acknowledge. I was afraid of how weak it would make me look. Although all of that happened the light at the end of the tunnel for me has been my relationship with God. He's been my common denominator in everything. Every time I've hit my low points he picks me up. I realized that even in my car accident that there was a blessing in my mistake.It helped me see that it could've been a lot worse and that God's grace has been all over my life for years.At the beginning of last year, I asked God to provide me with patience and grace for myself. I believe that he had me hit my low so that I could get to a place where grace and patience were all that I could have for myself to get me through. I'm still a work in progress and I still have anxiety attacks quite often but I'm becoming more aware of my thoughts as they're happening. Therapy has been a new journey for me but I hope that anyone reading this knows that no matter how many times you fall you can always get back up.Your trauma doesn't have to look like the next person for it to be valid. Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. You deserve it.