SELF-ish
“God loves me… and He set forth a path for my life. I need to trust His plans and go forward lovingly in order to properly honor the women who came before me…”
Selfish. Selfish is such an icky word. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth when you say it aloud. We grow up learning lessons of altruism. Do not eat the last cookie because someone else might want it. Always share your toys because that is what nice girls do. Try not to brag because it is off-putting to others. Soften your strength to be more palatable for the people around you. We come into the world by ourselves, but we are quickly conditioned to be community-minded and family-focused. And do not get me wrong, we should definitely be community-minded and family-focused; just not at the expense of our joy and authenticity.
As women, we are conditioned to provide for others in our household. Little girls receive Easy-Bake ovens, crafting stations, sewing kits, baby dolls, miniature kitchens, dollhouses, and much more for Christmases and birthdays. So many of our girl-oriented toys taught us to be resourceful, and they quietly instilled the need to be useful for everybody else. As we age, we continue to put others above ourselves. We constantly strive to fit molds to please everyone around us.
But what do we do for ourselves? There’s a continual conversation about self-love, but the message doesn’t penetrate our communal psyche. Our society stigmatizes women who put themselves before others. We uplift the narrative of the self-sacrificing matriarch, even at the expense of our grandmothers, mothers, aunts, sisters, cousins, friends, neighbors, and daughters. Generations of women never had an opportunity to experience their own happiness. Their endless work provided us with the foundations for our current lives. As we look to honor their efforts, we must recognize that they deserved rest. They deserved new clothing, home-cooked meals (that they didn’t make themselves), walks on the beach, cocktails with friends, and love that did not require pain. How can we make it easier for the women in our lives currently? How can we water our gardens to better support our communities and families? We must learn to love and focus on ourselves in order to radiate that love onto those around us.
Coronavirus is a thick, toxic, invisible cloud of terror hanging over the world. As of right now, there is no human-derived deadline for it to go away. The days are starting to blend together, and constant stress is a breeding ground for anxiety, depression, and negative self-talk. I cannot let myself enter a dark mental space when God is still providing in my life.
Earlier today, I googled journal prompts to help pass time during this indefinite quarantine. As I was casually scrolling through the list of questions from a Christian women’s blog, a random blurb in the middle of the list caught my eye, “list your greatest accomplishments in life.” I’m not going to lie, listing my greatest achievements made me really happy. A smile crept across my face, and for a second, I felt like a mini-Michelle Obama. The exercise gave me a moment to brag about myself to myself, and I need that self-love right now.
For roughly fifteen minutes, I rattled off a list of important life events: becoming a big sister at two years old, being honored as Line Leader in kindergarten, passing my typing test in elementary school, getting my driver’s license, joining my Sorority, graduating from college, moving across the country by myself, moving back across the country by myself when I realized that was not God’s calling for my life, being admitted to law school, getting a scholarship to law school. Every single blessing in my life came from God. He has shown me abundant grace and prosperity, and I am eternally grateful. But upon further reflection, I realized that I was not striving for excellence--- I was striving for approval. Those hard nights taught me discipline, but I never stopped to question the “why” behind them. I never asked myself if my hard work was making ME happy.
Quarantine has provided me with unlimited and unfiltered access to myself. The only people in my house are my mother, my father, and my brother. There are no distractions right now; other than YouTube workouts and planning nightly dinners. God put us on pause. I am spending my time wrestling myself to see how He wants me to grow. These conversations with God are especially difficult due to my discomfort with uncertain transitions. One glaringly obvious point of growth is to learn to appreciate me in the between moments. What am I supposed to do with myself during the seconds that pass between “congratulations” and “good jobs?” What have I done that I am proud of that no one else can see? All of a sudden, I cannot think of anything. I realize that I still feel a sense of accomplishment from my achievements, but I am hungry for self-fulfillment when looking at my future goals.
Instead of being healthy to lose weight and mold into an Instagram Model body, I am learning to look at my body as a symbol of resilience, strength, and love. Instead of focusing on how to make my hair “pretty,” I want to learn what makes my hair “happy” so it can thrive. Instead of softening myself for others, I want to establish boundaries that will provide deeper and more textured relationships with my family and friends. We have no idea how long we will be at home, and we have no idea what life will look like after quarantine. What we do know, is that God is in control and He never gives us more than we can handle. That includes ourselves. God blessed us to be whole people, and we must respect that. As I move from my Gap Year to my first year of law school, I want to be intentional with my time and energy. He placed a calling over my life to advocate for Black and Brown women and girls around the world. I cannot do that if I am constantly burned out and waiting for approval from other people.
God loves me, and He set forth a path for my life. I need to trust His plans and go forward lovingly in order to properly honor the women who came before me and create a better life for my future daughters, nieces, and granddaughters.