Work in Progress Part Two

Turbulent

Senior Year

MAY 2017

I interned at a company in northern California while Gabriel interned at a company in southern California. Although we were about a 6-hour drive from each other, this was the closest we had ever lived to each other. We took advantage of the close proximity and saw each other nearly every other weekend. 

Stressed from interning at a big four tech company, preparing to enter my second term as president of a major organization on campus, and still suffering from the traumas of my past relationship, my anxiety resulted in constant stomach aches and an inconsistent alcohol tolerance. Sometimes, I would black out after one glass of wine with Gabriel and other times I’d take five shots of tequila with my friends and feel nothing. My drunken cries of insecurity turned into drunken rages of aggression. I scolded him with accusations of being with other girls because I believed that I needed to be aggressive in order to feel powerful in a relationship. 

Despite the pain I was still suffering from, my love for Gabriel only deepened. One night, we drove from the South Bay to Oakland with some friends from my internship. While we had plans to link up with them later that evening for a party, Gabriel and I found a random empty bar in Oakland to go to instead. We spent the entire night listening to an MTV special on 1980’s rock and talking about the most random things. That disgustingly grungy bar and even more disgustingly grungy Extended Stay where we slept that night are some of my best memories. 

AUGUST 2017

The summer ended, and I returned to Miami for my senior year of college. My dad came down to help me move into my apartment, and Gabriel was scheduled to come to Miami the following week. Saturday evening, just days after getting back, my freshman/sophomore year college roommate and I went to get drinks at this restaurant near my apartment. My dad dropped me off so he could say hi to her, then returned back to my apartment where he expected me to return later that evening.

After two or three drinks, my college roommate and I went to our guy friends’ apartment. Since we had all been good friends since freshman year, it felt great to reconnect with some of the people I considered my  close friends. I had a few more drinks that evening, but remember thinking that I needed to get home because my father was at my apartment and I had an important meeting the next day. 

Before I knew it, it was only me and one of my guy friends in the living room. As we sat on the couch, I recall seeing a bottle of Jameison on the table and sending Gabriel a text to expect my call since I’d be home in a few moments.

The next thing I remember is being rolled on top of my guy friend in his bed, being naked, him penetrating me and then me having an orgasm. I rolled off as he got up to go to the bathroom. He came back and began to perform oral sex on me. I rolled out of bed, began to cry, and put my clothes on. I called an Uber as I hurried out of the room. I immediately called my best friend. I didn’t remember anything between sitting in the living room while texting Gabriel and waking up in the morning. I felt confused and disgusted with myself. I began to blame myself for my perpetrator’s actions. Questions such as, “am I so scared that Gabriel would cheat on me that I sabotaged the relationship by sleeping with somebody else?” began racing through my mind. 

I got back to my apartment before 7:30 am on Sunday morning and immediately went to my roommate’s bathroom. I jumped into the shower and cried as I tried to scrub off the remnants of the previous night and that morning. I texted the man that raped me asking him what happened, then proceeded to apologize - assuming guilt for an action that I was not responsible for. He then responded that he was sorry, that he “couldn’t resist,” and that sleeping with me was “electrifying.” I sat on the toilet for what felt like hours rereading that text. I had just pulled out a tampon I put in the day before. He penetrated my vagina and tried to give me head while I had a tampon in, yet he felt that the sex was electrifying. I could not make sense of the situation. 

Later that day, I called my male best friend to ask him if I should tell Gabriel or not. I didn’t know if I had cheated on the love of my life or if I had been assaulted. If I had been assaulted then that would completely disrupt my illusion of safety and scare me beyond a mistake I could’ve made. I didn’t want to believe that something so horrible could happen to me. 

Monday, my freshman/sophomore year college roommate came by to tell me what she heard. She spent the night in the same apartment with another one of our guy friends. After I left early Sunday morning, my perpatrator went into the bedroom she was laying in. My perpetrator said that we started kissing in his bedroom, but that I said no many times. He said that I gave him a look, then he blacked out, and the next thing he remembered was giving me head. He proceeded to say that he knew he shouldn’t have done it, but he knew he would never have the opportunity again. My roommate then told me that I shouldn’t tell Gabriel. She said “it’s college and mistakes happen.” Her illusion of safety prevented her from clearly seeing what happened as well. 

Tuesday, I went to my school counselor. I told her I was drunk, didn’t remember exactly what happened, but remember having an orgasm. She told me that she had been with her husband since college. Some things she did in college, she never told her husband. Then ultimately proceeded to tell me that there are some things I should just take to the grave.

Gabriel came to town Wednesday evening. I still had no idea what to make of the situation. Should I tell him or do I keep it to myself? Do I take it to the grave or do I show the love of my life the respect he deserves and be honest? That afternoon, I couldn’t get a hold of my male best friend. I ran into a friend, who I was so close to I considered him a brother, and explained the situation. His response was “I hate when girls do this. Get really drunk and cry rape. You and this dude messed around freshman year, you’ve always wanted each other.”

I left campus in my linesisters car crying and even more confused than before. Is this how people perceived me? As a cheater? So in my mind, that must have meant I was a cheater. 

Wednesday evening came, and Gabriel arrived at my apartment. He was eagerly telling me a story about one of his friends, and I could barely make eye contact with him. I felt ashamed to look at him, unworthy of being in his presence. After what felt like an eternity, I told him what happened. He sat in silence, then asked if it was rape or consensual. He said there is no in between, either you said yes or you didn’t. I couldn’t admit that I was raped yet, so I just cried and said “I don’t know.” I was too scared to tell Gabriel that I remembered having an orgasm, because I believed that if I had an orgasm then it must have been consensual. 

Gabriel stormed out of my apartment. I chased after him and begged him to stay. I couldn’t provide the answers he so desperately wanted to hear, but I needed to stay with him. I was terrified of losing him.

Thursday and Friday I laid in bed all day with him and cried so much that I could barely breathe. I began to hyperventilate several times while Gabriel tried to calm me down. I felt so disgusted with myself, so ashamed, so angry, so worthless, so violated, and most of all so hurt. It was like all of the insecurities that I was previously feeling were confirmed. If one of my close friends thought that little of me and stole my precious right to consensual sex, then how could the love of my life see me differently? How could he see me as someone with value? The past manipulation I experienced combined with this second rape plus the input from others, prevented me from being able to see things clearly.

I became so depressed and anxious that I would often throw up before class. I would barely eat, and I spent more time crying in the privacy of my bedroom than I did socializing with my friends. Life kept moving as I became more and more depressed. As the president of my sorority, a member of almost every prominent business development organization and scholarship program for high achieving minority students, and a former intern at top companies, I felt all the pressure in the world to secure a job at a noteworthy company after graduation. Despite my demonstrated success in both the classroom and work environment, I was rejected from more than twenty jobs. While I received offers from two great companies, I was so depressed I couldn’t allow myself to be grateful for those opportunities. 

As my depression worsened, I began to lash out on those closest to me. My linesisters, my family, and Gabriel. I broke up with Gabriel too many times to count. I pushed him away, then pulled him in, then pushed him away, then pulled him in. I was so broken that I couldn’t see I was toying with his emotions like a yo-yo and dragging him down with me. 

These situations had so much power and control over my life that I became suicidal. I felt worthless. I just wanted the pain and suffering to go away, and suicide seemed like the only way out. I used to call Gabriel to talk and provide me solace when I started having those feelings. Without knowing it, he talked me off the edge more times than I can count. 

OCTOBER 2017

I flew out to visit Gabriel, less than three months after the second rape, to celebrate our anniversary and his birthday. I was so irritable that I didn’t show any excitement when I first saw him after getting out of the Uber. But how could I when I didn’t like who I saw when I looked in the mirror? That weekend, I tried to surprise Gabriel by dressing up in lingerie. I felt so uncomfortable with my body that I barely let him take off my robe. That evening, we were supposed to go on a dinner cruise. Instead, I slept the entire night. The next day, his birthday, I planned absolutely nothing. We went to brunch and then I made him stay in bed with me all day as I slept. 

Gabriel tried to suggest how I should heal while he watched in desperation as the person he loved the most slowly changed into somebody he couldn’t recognize. Over a few months, I began to feel like I was slowly coming out of my depression. I felt supported by the love of my life, I saw a therapist maybe two or three times, started journaling, going to the gym and spending more time with friends. I thought that time was healing all of my wounds, I had yet to learn that healing requires consistent effort over time. While I didn’t feel as sad anymore, I was not healed like I was pretending to be. When Gabriel and I tried to have sex, I would freeze and become motionless. I would have panic attacks during our most intimate moments. Gabriel felt like a monster, and I felt completely broken. 

DECEMBER 2017

During winter break of my senior year, I called my perpetrator. Our mutual friend, the one that my perpetrator admitted the assault to the morning after my rape, told me that he knew there was still chemistry between us. He suggested that I reach out to him to make amends. Still confused about if it was rape or not, I called and apologized again. I said I should have never been that drunk and that I hope we would still be friends. 

Shortly after this phone call, I went to New York for about three weeks to visit friends and family. Gabriel was also there. I showed up late to our plans, made excuses, and complained about having to be out with him when I’d rather be in the warmth of a bed. I was so focused on myself that I couldn’t think of the needs or even the feelings of my significant other. One night when we were in my sister’s apartment talking, Gabriel called me out on my bullshit. He suggested that I stop drinking because he felt as if I had a drinking problem. He was right. I was abusing alcohol and using it as a shield to hide me from the pain I felt. After more than a year of dating, I was still drinking, blacking out, and lashing out on him. I was mixing my healing with alcohol. Although I came to recognize this issue then, I didn’t stop drinking. 

Second semester, I secured a job and things with my sorority calmed down since we initiated a line in the Fall. I felt like I had more time to relax and learn about myself. I traveled more because I loved seeing my friends in different cities and exploring new areas, but also because I was running from what I felt like was such a toxic environment at my school in Miami. I probably took a trip at least twice a month for the entire second semester. I still wasn’t addressing the issues that stemmed from my traumas in a way that would result in my healing. 

FEBRUARY 2018

In February, I spent almost a week in Detroit with Gabriel. We bought groceries, cooked, went to a concert, visited a few bars, and painted together. Everything felt perfect, but I continued to toy with Gabriel’s emotions. I thought that I wanted to see other people. I didn’t know if I began enjoying sex because Gabriel was the love of my life or because I learned more about my body. I recognized that I was still affected by my traumas and thought I needed to be alone in order to heal. I didn’t understand that just because these thoughts entered my mind, didn’t mean that they belonged to me or were totally true. I tried to create more space between us in an already long distance relationship. 

MARCH 2018

Towards the middle of the second semester, my perpetrator called me. Two of my friends approached him separately and called him a rapist. When my perpetrator called me, he asked that I stop telling people it was rape. He said that we both knew what it was. I had an orgasm so it wasn’t rape. Still healing and seeing things with clouded judgement, I said okay. I called Gabriel after, and finally told him about the orgasm. I thought that opening up about this would make me feel better, but it just made me feel disgusted with myself all over again. 

APRIL 2018

Gabriel came to visit me in April for my birthday. We went out to brunch, where he felt like I was flirting with other men in front of him. I have a bubbly personality and both the men he accused me of flirting with I considered to be like brothers. I felt misunderstood, like he was trying to control me and change my personality. He felt like I blatantly disrespected him. We had a massive argument that night and broke up. It was full of screaming, crying and more talking than listening. 

The next day, we went to my birthday brunch as a couple. We drank together, made love that day, and went to a strip club together to end the night. I rode with him as he drove my car to the airport on Monday morning. He was talking about our relationship and trying to fight for us, but I was mentally checked out. I convinced myself that this relationship was something I no longer wanted to fight for. 

He returned to Detroit and I barely spoke to him. He would call to check on me and I would dismiss him. While I loved him, I believed I needed to heal by focusing solely on myself. Our relationship was a rollercoaster that I could no longer ride, but I was still holding on in many ways. 

MAY 2018

My college graduation weekend came along, and we were still broken up. Despite our relationship status, Gabriel still came to support me. That weekend we spent almost every evening together discussing our relationship. I vividly remember him saying, “I just feel like you don’t need me anymore,” to which I coldly responded, “I don’t.” Sure enough, we were back to dating by the end of the weekend and the rollercoaster continued. 

Post Graduation

June 2018

The following week after getting back together, I was creeping on his instagram and found a girl that kept commenting on his pictures. I clicked on her page and the first image was a picture of her and Gabriel hugging with his face pressed against hers. Immediately, I assumed he was cheating on me like the other men had. I forced him to put me on a three way phone call with the other girl to ask if she had done anything with my boyfriend or if she saw how inappropriate it was for her to not only be taking pictures like that with somebody in a relationship, but then to proceed to post them. Of course, I received no comfort from this conversation.

Days later, I flew to Houston to visit Gabriel’s home for the first time for his younger brother’s high school graduation. As we sat in the airport, not even a week after discovering this instagram post, I cried as I avoided eye contact with him. He offered to drive me back home, but I loved him so much and wanted to be with him so badly that I stayed. I flew to Houston with him and we had almost a perfect weekend together. He explained the entire situation to me, assured me that he did not cheat and would never cheat, and apologized again. I put it in the back of my mind and tried to move on, but I couldn’t fully forgive him. I feared that he was seeing me as the other men I encountered saw me - valules. So in an attempt to feel like I still had power in the situation, I became aggressive and controlling. I demanded that he delete any comment from a girl he previously messed with him from his page, and I began monitoring all of his posts, requesting that he post more pictures of me.

JULY 2018

I moved to Denver for my job. Gabriel and I were going strong. We were making plans to see each other multiple times a month. I would go to Detroit and he would come visit me in Denver. 

AUGUST 2018

We went to Houston for his brother’s graduation party. Gabriel's family was there, including members that I never met. He was so excited to see the many people he cared for that he forgot to introduce me to anybody. I spent hours talking to cousins who I had to introduce myself to. At the time I didn’t see this as an issue, and just laughed about it. I knew my boyfriend’s heart and knew there was no malicious intent behind his actions. 

As I was adjusting to a new city and making new friends, I began to tell myself that this relationship was preventing me from fully immersing myself in this new community I was calling my home. Therefore, I began to distance myself again. 

OCTOBER 2018

Nevertheless, I flew to Detroit for his 25th birthday. He decided to host a brunch then invited his friends to this arcade/bowling alley. The day started out fun, nothing but good energy. Still mixing alcohol and healing, I took shots of tequila and drank countless mimosas at the brunch. At the arcade, I began talking to one of his close woman friends about the Instagram situation. He overheard, and assumed I was talking shit about him rather than seeking validation from somebody who I thought would understand (both were problematic). He got upset, then began talking to some of his women friends that I never met. 

I felt disrespected. I began to think back to August when he didn’t introduce me to his family, then June when I found a picture of him with another girl on Instagram, and my mind began to race. “Was this becoming a pattern because he didn’t actually love me? Was he cheating on me? Jay-Z cheated on Beyonce, and who am I compared to Beyonce? Nobody. So, it is absolutely possible that he would bring this woman that he is cheating on me with to his birthday party and flaunt her in my face.”

Drunkenly, I walked up to Gabriel and his friends and aggressively introduced myself. After that I blacked out, so I have no memory of what happened next. I was told that I was crying on the floor of his birthday party, asking my friends that were there if they thought he was cheating on me, then left the party without saying goodbye. I completely humiliated myself and Gabriel. 

The next day, Gabriel and I spent half of the day bouncing from bar to bar in Detroit.  We played Chris Brown off my phone as I filmed him dancing in the street. We laughed like we never laughed before. We danced like nobody was watching. Each place we went felt like we were the only ones in the world. We didn’t see the bartender, we didn’t see other people. We only saw each other. The feelings that we felt that night made the day before seem as if it never happened. 

That Monday, his actual birthday, I took him indoor skydiving and then we went to dinner. During dinner, Gabriel told me that the previous day was the best birthday of his life. He then proceeded to ask me about our relationship and why I acted the way I did as his birthday. I told him “Sometimes I don’t know if I want to be with you.” Now I know that I acted the way I did because I hadn’t healed from my past, I mixed alcohol with my pain, and I was triggered by Gabriel’s actions at his birthday party.

After my return to Denver, I continued to express my insecurities about the girl commenting on his instagram page. I couldn’t see that Gabriel wanted nothing more than for me to allow him to love me. I kept blocking him, over and over again.

NOVEMBER 2018

Despite this, Gabriel and I kept dating. We purchased tickets to go to Puerto Rico together for my birthday in April and he came to my house for Thanksgiving in November. 

One night while we were together over Thanksgiving, we were cuddling. We were both very drunk, and I was not in the mood. Since he was, I laid motionless and allowed him to do what he wanted with my body. After less than one second of realizing this, he stopped and asked what was wrong. Nothing was, I just wasn’t in the mood. Due to my past relationship, I was conditioned to think that what I wanted didn’t matter when it came to sex. I believed that if I didn’t have good sex with him, then he would have sex with somebody else. Gabriel said, “If you don’t want to have sex, then we don’t have to have sex.” Something as simple as that rocked my entire world. Our time together over Thanksgiving was so special to me that I missed him before we even parted. I cried as I hugged him goodbye. 

FEBRUARY 2019

Gabriel had the opportunity to have his painting displayed at a major event in Detroit. Luckily it was right around Valentine’s Day and my job allowed me to work in the Detroit office. I stayed with Gabriel for about 10 days. Everything felt perfect; better than I could have imagined. The more time I spent with him, the more I fell in love with him. Coming home to his hugs after a terrible day of work nearly made me forget about every single worry or pain. However, while I was so happy for him to be excelling in both his corporate career and artistic career, I felt like I had nothing going for me. I didn’t feel like I was doing well in my job, and I had no passion fueling me to do anything outside of work. I couldn’t put any effort into our relationship because I felt empty myself. 

MARCH 2019

March came, and I was barely talking to Gabriel. We tried setting goals with one another on the phone at the beginning of each week, tried to practice gratitude with one another, and tried doing devotionals together in the morning. At this point, we were seeking God reactively out of desperation rather than seeking him proactively. Nothing seemed to work. I told him it felt like we were just going through the motions. 

APRIL 2019

April came and things still felt off. One evening, after I went out and came home drunk, I called Gabriel. I blacked out and don’t remember anything, but he said that I told him my family would never support him being an artist. I told him I needed to be with somebody more corporate, essentially more acceptable in a traditional setting. Soberly, I thought Gabriel was the most talented artist I ever met. I knew how much art meant to him, and I couldn’t believe I would say something so cruel. I still didn’t understand that all thoughts that enter my mind don’t necessarily belong to me. Just because the opinions of others take up space in my mind, does not mean that I agree with them or believe them. I naively believed that drunk words were sober thoughts, so I began to tell myself that I didn’t want to be with Gabriel again. 

We went to Puerto Rico, and the energy immediately felt off. Gabriel would barely look at me when we met in the airport. I was barely talking to him. It didn’t feel like we were best friends anymore. Nevertheless, we created incredible memories together 4-wheeling in the rural parts of the island, but cried together in our hotel room. 

We flew back to Denver, and didn’t say one word to each other on the flights. I cried just looking at Gabriel in the airport during our layover. We got back to Denver, and Gabriel broke up with me. We both knew it needed to happen, but I could not stand not being in control in this situation.  

Although he broke up with me, he told me he still loved me and wanted to be with me - so much so that he changed his flight to spend another day with me before flying back to Detroit.