Work in Progress Part Three
Healing
My past, filled with manipulation and trauma, transformed me from the woman Gabriel loved into a monster. The months following our break up, I lashed out on him more than ever before. I called him names, blamed him for my lack of healing, cursed at him, and so forth. I continued to accuse him of cheating and seeing other women, questioning his character and values despite his proven disposition.
This is what suppressing my feelings resulted in. I spent years chasing success and seeking happiness without truly facing what happened to me head on.
MAY 2019
My friends entertained and even planted the idea that he was cheating. They told me how he should be healing from our relationship (by still pursuing me). No matter how awful I told them I treated Gabriel, they offered their biased perspective. I could do no wrong in their eyes. In their opinion, I was something worth fighting for and Gabriel wasn’t doing that anymore. I began to resent him because I agreed with the false perceptions of my friends and his lack of action. He was telling me he loved me, but doing absolutely nothing to speak to me in my love languages. He wasn’t giving me words of affirmation or attempting to spend quality time with me anymore.
I didn’t understand that love manifests itself in different ways at different times. Gabriel was setting boundaries with me. Since I was polluting our relationship and his life, he was learning how to love himself while also loving me.
This break up was traumatic - I felt abandoned by the love of my life. That said, I became dedicated to putting effort into my healing. I began reading more, signed up for a photography course and yoga teacher training, started spending more time with God, and began trauma recovery therapy.
My therapist made me finally accept responsibility for my actions. She helped me realize that I fucked up. Her unbiased perspective allowed me to see that I was treating the love of my life as a punching bag. I was punishing Gabriel for actions he had nothing to do with - I never made the distinction between thinking, “I can’t trust you” and “my trust has been broken.” I was subconsciously acting in a similar manner to those that had abused me - manipulative, inconsiderate, negligent, controlling, cruel. This learned behavior became a habit. So even though my therapist helped me see the issue, it took several months for me to fully change.
During this period where I knew my shit stank but I wasn’t fixing the problem, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. I was trying so hard to practice my value driven behavior - being kind, being dedicated to my growth, understanding and empathetic to myself and others, etc., but kept seeming to fail. I expected immediate results, immediate changes in my behavior, and feelings.
I read the Power of Positive Self-Talk by Kim Fredrickson and learned how to be an empathetic emotional coach for myself. The Power of Positive Self-Talk taught me the importance of acknowledging my emotions with kindness, and approaching them with interest and curiosity rather than judgement. No emotion is good or bad, it was my reactions to these emotions that are positive or negative. This book also taught me that being gentle and understanding is a choice, I do not have to treat myself with harshness and criticism. In order to not be so critical of myself, I need to ask myself gentle questions, such as “What happened before I started to feel bad?” rather than punishing myself and practicing negative self talk. Another way to avoid negative self-talk is by checking out what I said to myself rather than automatically assuming that it’s true because I said it. Lastly, this feeling of guilt was serving me no purpose. Peace of mind comes from accepting our flaws and mistakes - “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is her to truly be at peace, we accept grace, forgiveness and acceptance from God then extend them to ourselves.” (Proverbs 23:7).
JUNE 2019
I was traveling a lot during the first few months of our break up. I spent a week in LA, a week in DC, and three weeks in Africa. Needless to say, I was exhausted. When you combine lack of sleep with already clouded judgement from trauma plus little to no self-control, it’s a recipe for chaos.
I wasn’t patient with myself during my initial phase of my healing process, nor was I compassionate. I wasn't giving myself the same level of understanding and kindness I gave to others. I was always critical of myself, thinking that I was not something enough. So, when I resorted back to my habits and did something hurtful to Gabriel, I felt even more culpable.
Despite having read Power of Positive Self-Talk in May, I spent most of my time in Africa crying over Gabriel in June. I was traveling to cities and countries I never dreamed of going to, but I spent countless hours worried about if Gabriel was going to begin fighting for us again how I wanted him to. I was playing with elephants in Zimbabwe, walking through gardens in South Africa, and riding camels in Kenya, only to return to the hotel rooms in these countries to send him paragraph texts or cry as I wrote in my journal about him. I constantly reminded myself how blessed I was to be able to experience such things. But I couldn’t stop myself from feeling sad.
JULY 2019
As part of my healing, I began my yoga teacher training. Through this, I discovered the yogic principles that I now use to help guide my life. There are five Yamas, or restraints, within yoga: Ahimsa (Non-Violence), Satya (Truthfulness), Asteya (Non-Stealing), Brahmacharya (Moderation) and Aparigrana (Non-Hoarding). To me, Ahimsa is the idea that we should minimize the amount of harm we cause to ourselves and others through thought, word and action by becoming more aware of our impact. I see this principle as being comparable to several verses in the bible:
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31)
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” (Galatians 5:22-24)
“ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
Studying these teachings made me feel very uneasy by a guilty conscience. I was struggling to encourage myself and meet my feelings with kindness. My actions towards Gabriel were the exact opposite of these teachings. I was so ashamed of myself, I didn’t think I deserved to feel a sense of comfort or peace. Then I recalled that the Power of Positive Self-Talk says that we need to forgive ourselves in order to move forward. If Moses killed a person and the bible only mentioned it once, then I could forgive myself and not focus on my mistakes.
While I was working on forgiving myself, I was also struggling with the feeling of powerlessness in this situation with Gabriel. My anxiety increased over time and Gabriel remained distant towards me. In the beginning of July, I heard a sermon entitled “Winning the War Over Worry.” The sermon was centered around Philippians 4:4-7. Philippians 4:4 reads “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” In order to win the war over worry, we have to maintain a posture of prayer in order to win the war over worry - we have to rejoice and keep rejoicing; we need to have a perpetual state of rejoicing. Philippians 4:6-7 says “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Not only do we have to make prayer our priority if we want to win the war over worry, but worrying at its core is an expression of distrust in God. Godly peace is based on your relationship with God, leans on his adequacy whereas wordly peace is based on resources, your abilities.
AUGUST 2019
In spite of having heard this sermon in July, I did not apply it to my life immediately. In August, I began a more difficult portion of my trauma recovery therapy. I was tasked with writing down both of my sexual assaults in detail. I was to include as much detail as possible and take note of all of the feelings these memories evoked.
As I read them out loud to my therapist, it was heartbreaking to hear how poorly I thought of myself. More than three years after my first assault and nearly two years after my second, and I was still taking the blame for other mens’ actions. I suggested that maybe I was too drunk or maybe I said something that made my abuser think I wanted it when I was drunk. Writing these stories down, and repeatedly rereading them was triggering. I felt like I was reliving those moments over and over again. I was exhausted. Although I knew that healing doesn’t take place in a linear line, I still expected my healing to be a consistent uphill progression. As I regressed, I felt like all of the foundation I built regarding positive self - talk and loving others went out the window.
I told Gabriel that I needed space from him and we didn’t need to talk anymore. That wasn’t what I needed and that absolutely was not what I wanted. I was so anxious and powerless, I became desperate to feel like I had control over something. So I did the only thing I knew I could do with regards to this situation. Immediately, I regretted it.
Towards the end of August, I took a trip to Spain with some friends. Prior to flying to Europe, I had a layover in Detroit. Despite having been broken up since April, Gabriel agreed to drive to the airport during my layover to see me. I expected him to show up with flowers and profess his love for me. Instead, he showed up nearly an hour and a half after I landed. Gabriel didn’t communicate with me during those 90 minutes and told me he was caught in traffic, so I assumed he just didn’t care. I was flooded with emotions and unable to live in the moment and appreciate the massive effort he made to see me at all.
I believe that if I entered the situation without expectations and narrating the story around “I” or “me,” then Gabriel and I could have enjoyed each other’s company. I had yet to learn that expectations are preconceived resentments. Instead, we sat in his car for a couple hours awkwardly making small talk. This didn’t feel like love and this didn’t feel like my best friend.
I flew to Europe desperate for answers. How could I love somebody so much but feel like this? How could I be trying so hard to heal myself while I still seemed to have so many problems? It felt so unfair that I was still struggling with the effects of trauma that was inflicted upon me years prior. I wanted to take hold of my life, but it felt like nothing was in my control.
While in Europe, I read a devotional called “US AGAINST THE WORLD: Biblical Love” by David and Tamela Mann. It broke down 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 in detail. I cried almost every night that I read this because I saw that the love I was giving Gabriel was not always love that was rooted in scripture. In our relationship, I had been impatient, cruel and irritable. I was disrespectful and easily angered. I kept score of Gabriel’s wrongdoings, and brought them up every chance I got. I didn’t always trust and I didn’t always have hope for us.
While I was able to put on a facade for some of my friends during the trip, I couldn’t help but cry with others when we were alone. I felt abandoned, dumb and dramatic. Here I was in Europe, traveling internationally for the second time in less than 6 months and I’m spending a significant amount of time crying about a man that was barely talking to me. I realized I deserved to have those boundaries placed on our relationship given my behavior, but that didn’t make it feel good.
SEPTEMBER 2019
I returned to Denver in September and continued with my trauma recovery therapy. Fighting jet lag and an irregular sleep schedule coupled with an intense yoga practice schedule hindered my ability to control my emotions. As we began working to break down the beliefs I created after being sexually assaulted, I became more and more unstable. While I stopped lashing out on Gabriel, I still was struggling to love him in the way God intended for me to. I asked Gabriel if he thought we were meant to be together for a season or for our lifetime. Then I proceeded to tell him that as I was healing, I felt as if I was constantly seeking his approval and praise. He said a lifetime, but I found no comfort in his words. That was one of the issues - I was seeking comfort and validation in Earthly things, rather than in God’s word. While I was spending time with the Lord daily, I wasn’t yet taking his teachings to heart. I was, however, building a strong foundation for the future.
In September, I spent at least three Fridays working from home. Rather than working, I cried hysterically on my bathroom floor all day. I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and anger. After all of this time, the decisions of two other men were still hurting me. The healing process was hard, and I was furious that I was having to put in all of this effort to heal from something that I did not do. I didn’t like the person I became, and I didn’t feel like I was not changing fast enough. I was showing myself absolutely no gentleness or kindness. So it’s easy to see how I was struggling to show it to those around me during this time.
In the middle of September, I read one devotional in particular that changed my entire perspective, “Promises for your Everyday Life.” On day 87 of this devotional, the author, Joyce Meyer, writes a piece titled “Make God Your Source of Approval.” In it, Meyer claims that an epidemic of insecurity is stealing the joy of life from many people in our society causing major problems in the relationships. She proceeds to say that the wrong thing to do, which I was doing, was to seek approval to overcome feelings of rejection and self esteem. The right thing to do when we are feeling insecure is to seek God’s truth. Our worth, value, acceptance and approval come from Him.
Then the next day, I read day 88 and 89 of the same devotional. Day 89 was titled “God isn’t Glorified Through our Suffering.” Meyer says God is glorified when we have a good attitude during our suffering. In order to be victorious, we have to set our mind on things above the Earth. While God wants us to be victorious, the process from victim to victor will take time. The process will make us stronger and enable us to help others who are facing a similar battle
OCTOBER 2019
October came, and I was beginning to feel more peace. I was demonstrating my value driven behavior on a more consistent basis, and I wasn’t uncontrollably sobbing nearly half as much as I was the months prior.
Gabriel and I facetimed for the longest we had in months the Saturday before I left for Athens for a 10 day business/personal trip. It felt like the most positive and enjoyable conversation we had in months. The love that we once had still felt like it was there.
I returned from Athens eager to talk to Gabriel. I wanted to tell him about my experience swimming with marine animals, hiking waterfalls, and getting to know my coworker turned friend that I traveled with. I felt like I was finally finding happiness on my own, and I couldn’t wait to share that with him.
Throughout the entire six months of our break up, I was really the only one putting in effort to see the other. Gabriel was exhausted (understandably so) from trying to make things work between us. I suspect he was also scared of getting hurt again. All of my attempts failed, but by the end of October I realized what God was doing.
God was teaching me how to be patient. On the first day of the devotional, “Discerning the Voice of God: A 7 Day Reading Plan” by Priscilla Shirer, Shirer claims that “obedience isn’t just one of the keys. It is the key that unlocks all of the blessings God intends for us.” Gabriel is a blessing, and God was showing me how much he loved me by placing him in my life. I was disobedient by not showing God-like love to myself or to others, and was ill-prepared for our relationship. On day two of the same devotional, Shirer says that we are unlikely to hear from God until we abandon our tug of war between his will and our will.
My will was to see Gabriel immediately. My will was for both of us to heal within a specific time frame, to jump back into a relationship by the end of the year, and to live happily ever after. But that was not and is not God’s will. God was teaching me how to love others in accordance with his word. How to show others kindness with no expectation of receiving anything in return. He was showing me how to be patient and not pressure others in their healing. He was showing me how to respect boundaries and respect other’s feelings. God is so unpredictable in his ways, but yet so dependable. I now often resort back to the notes I took from the sermon on Philippians 4:4-7. Because I trust God, I am anxious about nothing.
DECEMBER 2019
During our relationship and shortly thereafter, I was blinded by love and suffered from attachment.
In September, Gabriel told me I was the love of his life and we were meant to be together forever.
In October, Gabriel told me he slept with somebody else one time since we broke up in April (only after I asked). While I cried when he told me, I didn’t lash out as I would have just months prior. Those feelings of sadness were soon replaced by sentiments of hope when Gabriel acknowledged my growth and developing maturity.
In November, Gabriel told me he “didn’t enjoy speaking to me” and needed space to focus on his art. He proceeded to tell me that he didn’t want me to come to his next art show because he didn’t want me to act up as I did on his birthday over a year ago. Not only had he never brought up that incident since the weekend it happened, but he failed to take any accountability. He did not acknowledge how his actions may have triggered and resulted in the most embarrassing moment of my life but rather shifted the blame to rest solely on me. (That is literally the definition of emotional manipulation.)
In December, we started talking again and things felt great to me. Recognizing that this was beginning to resemble the yo-yoing of emotions we had done in the past, I asked him where we stood and what his intentions were to which he responded that he was talking to somebody else. I asked if he still thought we were meant to be together forever. Gabriel said “I’m not as sure about that as I once was,” and I responded with “As long as one of us keeps fighting, we can make it work.” I was choosing to focus on the scripture that says “It (love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Cor 13: 7).
January 2020
As I progressed in my healing journey, I developed enough strength to detach myself from Gabriel. I began to heal for myself, not for the sake of Gabriel and me. That said, my paradigm shifted, and I grew to see Gabriel for what he really is - human.
My lack of self regard caused me to put Gabriel on a pedestal, and the stories I told myself of what happened in our relationship always portrayed me as a villain. Because I thought so lowly of myself, I couldn’t see any of Gabriel’s flaws. My past relationships, lack of healing, and sexual assaults made me over accountable for our issues.
This tainted perspective pushed me to fight for our relationship months after Gabriel stopped putting in effort. It led me to accept being strung along for more than half a year. I couldn’t see that love is a choice, and Gabriel was choosing not to love me. Rather than recognizing both of our roles in the relationship, I felt responsible for its conclusion and viewed it as a failure. It prevented me from seeing the back-and-forth, ups-and-downs, and toxicity our relationship was bringing into both of our lives.
So while my love for Gabriel has persevered, it has shifted from a romantic love (Eros) to Agape love.
I am so grateful for the trauma I endured because these experiences taught me how to love myself. They taught me how to love others. Most importantly, they taught me how to trust God. I learned how to not let the negative experiences in life control how I view myself and others. For a time, these experiences brought out the worst in me, but they ultimately led me to discover the best in me. My healing has allowed me to develop a love for myself that I’ve never experienced before, and that is something worth celebrating.
May 2020
My thoughts, feelings, and practices fluctuated between December and May because healing is never linear and quarantine is MESSY. I went from saying “No niggas, no sex!” at the start of the year to focus on my relationship with God, myself, and discovering my purpose, to entertaining (and distracting myself) with men that I knew I had no desire to be in a relationship.
Then I realized that I was playing with fire. Not only was I putting myself at risk of attaching to another man, just like I had in the past, but also I was torturing myself by comparing all of these men to the idea of Gabriel that I created in my mind. Although I recognized this, it wasn’t until my friend sent me Relationship Goals by Michael Todd that I began to implement significant changes.
Although I find Michael Todd to be one of the most obnoxious pastors ever, I finished his book within two days. The book has SO many gems, but one that stuck out to me, in particular, was this, “Isn’t that how we usually get in bad romantic relationships? Instead of waiting for God to bring us the right person at the right time, we’re so ready to have love that we go trying to fit somebody who is not right into the picture.” (Bloop! Guilty! I 100% did this....multiple times) Michael continues to speak about the importance of singleness, and how it should be used to become whole and complete on your own. He says, “Singleness may be the most important part of the relationship process.”
I had to agree. In the few months in which I was strictly dedicated to “No niggas, no sex!” I was so much more productive and less anxious/stressed. I took a trip to Paris for my friends 25th and didn’t cry/journal anything negative/send paragraphs to anyone the entire time, I felt closer to God, and discovered new passions. That said, I decided to rededicate myself to my period of singleness. And as soon as I did this, thoughts of Gabriel entered my mind (The devil is ACTIVE, boi!).
I began making assumptions and telling myself stories about Gabriel and his new girl. I started telling myself I wanted to be with him, and that I’d already been in my period of singleness long enough. Then, I stalked his Instagram and realized his new girl was at the same art show he told me he didn’t want me to attend because he didn’t want me to act up and embarrass him...
Rather than getting down on myself as I would have in 2019, I began using the tools I obtained during my months in therapy. I acknowledged my feelings, asked myself gentle questions such as “what happened right before I started to feel bad?” (Answer: Instagram) and then encouraged myself. I had to check what I was saying to myself, instead of automatically accepting it as the truth.
To fact check myself, I reread my journals from July 2017 - April 2019. In each of my journals, almost every single month without fail, I wrote things such as “Gabriel = perfect and I don’t feel like I’m good enough,” “Gabriel tells me I’m a terrible girlfriend and unsupportive,” “I don’t feel like my voice is being heard,” “This relationship is exhausting and draining,” “I don’t want or need to be in a relationship, I need to be alone and heal,” and “Gabriel keeps saying he doesn’t think I want to be with him.” It wasn’t until after he broke up with me in April 2019 and I felt like I lost control in the relationship that I started writing things like, “I want to be with Gabriel, he is the love of my life,” consistently. But of course those words were always followed with something like, “He keeps bringing up my past, and the mistakes I’ve made so I feel like I can’t move on,” or “Gabriel keeps telling me he loves me, but that he is intentionally not putting effort into me/our relationship. I just feel SO unloved.” With more time away from the situation, I was able to see that our relationship was only joyful 20% of the time. No matter how great a person is, I can’t be happy with anybody else if I’m not happy with myself.
Reading my entries did several things for me. It showed me the importance of journaling when I’m happy as well as when I’m sad. It served as a reminder of how much I have grown in the past few years. It allowed me to internalize that my actions towards Gabriel were not my fault, that I shouldn’t assume guilt for something when I did not know better. I was traumatized by my experiences and had no guidance before therapy on how to navigate that journey or control those emotions. It affirmed that I need this period of singleness now more than ever. I have to be intentional with who I spend my time with as well as how I spend my time to grow into my fullest potential. Most importantly, I need to spend time getting to know myself. Although I have grown tremendously, I recognize that healing is a never-ending process. I will forever be a work in progress.